Desire, Maternal Recognition, and the Objet Petit a: Lacanian Case Study

How a lifelong search for the mother’s approving gaze can shape relationships, ambitions, and sense of self

Paul, 53, is married but lives apart from his wife, who resides in another country. The marriage exists largely through video calls and annual visits, with communication hindered by language differences. Paul acknowledges feeling “not entirely happy” in the marriage but describes the situation as “too complicated” to end. His wife depends on him financially, and he takes pride in showing to his friends their video calls where he speaks in her language since she doesn’t know his native tongue.
Paul works in a senior role at an oil company and holds a Master’s degree, of which he is deeply proud. His professional achievements are central to his self-presentation, and he often measures himself against others, finding satisfaction in having “done better” than those from his childhood environment.

Childhood and Maternal Relation

Paul was raised by a single mother who relied on a neighbour to look after him while she worked. The neighbour’s house was an important place for Paul, where there were other children too whom he made lasting bonds. Now that they are grown up, Paul still visits his friends and gives them money. He sees his ability to help them as proof of his own success, especially compared to their difficulties.

Paul frequently recalls his mother, who died in a car accident about ten years ago. She is described as highly critical, often calling him “useless” and “dumb”. One particular memory stands out as exceptional: the only time she openly defended and supported him. This rare moment of maternal support remains vivid, suggesting a fixation on the scarcity of recognition and a lifelong search for its repetition.

Romantic History and Significant Friendships

Paul identifies five past romantic relationships with independent, accomplished women. He admits his own behaviour was why all these past relationships ended, despite being inspired by these women to achieve more professionally.
One relationship occupies a special place in his narrative – a university friendship with a woman who initially confessed a romantic interest in him. He responded by defining her as a “sister,” though the friendship eventually developed into intimacy after a decade. For Paul, the bond remained primarily fraternal, though he sought to maintain an “intimate friendship” after becoming lovers. She eventually ended the relationship, later moving abroad and achieving considerable success. Paul speaks of her with both pride and envy, suggesting that he learned other languages and travelled internationally partly in imitation of her.
Paul eventually married a foreign woman which appears linked to this earlier model. The marriage offers symbolic capital – a visible sign of cosmopolitan identity – but lacks emotional and linguistic depth. He admits feeling more understood by his university friend, though she ceased contact when it became clear he would not commit to marriage.

The analysis

1. The Maternal Gaze and the Ego-Ideal

Paul’s self-image is structured around the internalised critical gaze of his mother. Her constant devaluation installed an ego-ideal – an internal figure he strives to satisfy – that is bound up with proving his worth to an absent or withholding Other. The single moment of maternal support functions as an exception that he continually attempts to recreate, though in reality it remains unattainable. This positions him within a structure of desire oriented toward the Other’s recognition.

2. Desire, Lack, and the Objet Petit a

The recurring attraction to accomplished, independent women mirrors the maternal figure as a strong and autonomous Other. These women become a symbol of the objet petit a – the elusive object-cause of his desire – representing both what he lacks and what he wishes to be recognised by.
In Paul’s case, the elusive object-cause of desire (the objet petit a) is the lost satisfaction that his mother’s gaze once gave him, and he still longs for the approval of his mother through others, because that initial interaction with her created a fundamental lack within him – a feeling of incompleteness that he now constantly seeks to fill. He attempts to re-create this feeling by pursuing strong, successful women, living a cosmopolitan image, and showcasing his achievements. All of these are ways of circling the same lost moment of wholeness, trying to recapture the symbolic power and completeness he believes he lost. This is because what causes his desire resides in the gap between him and the objects he pursues, keeping him in a perpetual state of longing.

Now, his tendency to withdraw from relationships once they become possible suggests that sustaining desire requires maintaining distance; consummation risks collapsing the fantasy.

3. Identification and Rivalry

Paul’s admiration and envy toward his university friend reveal a dual identification. She occupies a place of mastery – multilingual, cosmopolitan, successful – which he seeks to appropriate through imitation. This identification is also competitive, producing satisfaction when he can match or surpass others in symbolic capital. His marriage to a foreign wife appears as an attempt to replicate the traits he admired in his friend, but in a way that is symbolically demonstrable to his social circle.

4. Symbolic Capital and the Big Other

Paul’s marriage and public display of speaking a foreign language operate as performances for the Big Other – the collective symbolic order whose recognition he seeks. His narrative reveals that the marriage’s primary value lies not in intimate satisfaction but in its function as a signifier of status.

5. Communication Gap as Structural Distance

The language barrier with his wife mirrors the deeper impossibility of full communication in human relationships. The lack preserves distance and sustains his fantasy, preventing the collapse of desire.

Clinical Direction

Paul’s pattern of forming relationships that are symbolically valuable but emotionally distant allows him to maintain desire without confronting its loss. The therapeutic focuses on shifting his relationship to the Other’s gaze and working through the fantasy of maternal recognition, enabling him to engage with desire without masking it through status and imitation.

Name and certain identifying details in this case study have been significantly altered to protect the analysand’s privacy. Fernando Gomez – Lacanian psychoanalyst at private practice.